I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
