i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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