If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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