so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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