apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
