speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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