Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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