The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
