I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
