Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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