Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
