Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
