She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
