the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
