I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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