Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
