I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
