I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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