Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
