My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
