Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
