i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
