hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
