look no pants
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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