Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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