I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
