I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
