I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
