Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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