I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"it" just moved
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
this is an emotional support booty call
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
