I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize