I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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