have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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