Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
