I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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