Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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