Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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