i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
