She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
