if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
