my phone needs a breathalizer
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
