i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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