my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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