He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
