If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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