yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
