imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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