Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
