I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
