there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
