When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
