im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize