just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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