i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize