i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
