How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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