I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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