Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
