All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
