totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
