I cannot find my penis.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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