you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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