Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
