My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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