3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
