is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
